“Stop studying.” Those were the words that came out of my teacher’s mouth.
Choking on my coffee I squeaked out a, “…come again?” Pretending I heard him wrong, but knowing full well I heard him loud and clear.
“Uhh, yeah, this is really important for you. Stop studying. You already have all this natural content that wants to come out, but you’re blocking it up with other people’s stuff.”
I’m pretty sure the next thing I said was “Oh…. Shiiiiit.” Not only in a fearful ‘what will I do without my treasured outside influences’ sort of way, but mostly in a ‘every cell in my body resonates with the immediate truth of this’ sort of way.
Studying is a natural tendency for me. I love learning. And I don’t judge. Isadora Duncan’s philosophy of dance? Yep. The mating rituals of North American birds? Yep. The angular radius of a rainbow? You bet. It’s 42. Juuust so you know.
There is no doubt that all of this information fuels something important for me. But I can’t help thinking, what if I’m consuming all of this info so that I can safely seem all smartypants on the surface, while I hide my true desire to say something original.
I’ve got something to say.
Damn. That felt good. No really. You should try it.
Ooh! Ooh! Now, stand up and say it while stomping your foot down when you say ‘say.’ Oh hells yeah. I just got chills.
Can we just be okay with trusting what we have inside of us?
How do we know when it’s time to stop searching outside of ourselves for answers and start tuning into the wealth of knowledge that has been waiting eons for us to uncover?
And once we tap into that inner wellspring and put our voice out into the world, what if people are all like, “huh?” or “that’s weird” or worse yet “ewwwww.”
Yes, all of these questions, and many many more are creeping into my newly stripped-down brain and filling me with the kinds of self-doubt reserved for dancing naked in front of a big group of church-goers.
And yet. There is an almost imperceptible glimmer of something much older than me that has been waiting a very long time for this change. Waiting to be recognized. Waiting to be validated, brought to the surface, trusted, loved.
I see you beautiful. Hi. Wanna come out and play?
Maybe it’s finally time to stop studying and start living.