Big Love.

It may be the understatement of the century to say that this has been a very interesting year. I have no doubt ‘interesting’ can and will be replaced by several rather unsavory adjectives when you read that sentence. And yet, today as I took the little stroll from my car to my house– a habitual muscle-memory stroll I do every day– something new sparked inside me. A tiny recognition. A subtle remembrance. The most minuscule of awakenings. I felt my heartbeat. I felt how it continues to beat for me, pumping life-force through me. I felt immense gratitude. For my heart, my body, my self, the earth, and all living things. I said it was ‘tiny,’ but right now that feels pretty f-ing huge.  

I was gifted with a moment of awareness. Of the things that exist within us and around us that lift our souls into divinity. The bigger picture.

Oh Laura, you’re such a ridiculously adorable optimist (emphasis on ridiculous). I hear you. And I’ll be the first to note that these moments of big picture awareness are not where I spend the majority of my time. There’s a lot of less-than-conscious moments doled out in frustrated sighs, passive aggressive dishwashing, and neat-freak baby-wiping. Trust me. I am a far cry from sainthood.

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Dancing in the dark.

Sometimes if I get really quiet and really still, I can tune into the whispers of the Divine within. Sometimes I wish those whispers would get a little louder, a little clearer, a little more direct. A little more free flowing. A little more real.

There’s the Knowing. And there’s the darkness that I stumble around in while I dance between second-guessing and absolute trust. 

This whole idea of already having all the answers, of being an expression of the Divine, is new to me. It feels a little like I’m looking everywhere for my sunglasses that have been patiently sitting on the top of my head the entire time. Like, “hey Laura, I’m right here. This is cool, all this searching and adventurous tomfoolery, but just so you know… I’m right here.” 

We think we can find Light, Clarity, Divine Union outside of us. We can’t. 

If we stop the thrashing, the wild incoherence of self-struggle, we might get to that stillness that is required. It’s going to take patience, discipline, courage, faith. It’s going to demand that we grow. Up. In. Out. Expanding our awareness into the places that scare us, into the places that hold deep wisdom, into the places that are bigger than us but ARE US just the same. 

It’s the place where the dark and the light become one and we realize that all we want, need, desire, all that we are is available to us in every moment. 

It is there for us. It is loud. It is clear. It is more direct, more free-flowing. It is real.